My two signature programs, The New Plan A and The Five Ps of Inner Peace, are mindfulness-based, down to earth, simple methods for healing your heart and restoring your emotional well-being.

Why mindfulness? There are many definitions of mindfulness, but the essence of it is present moment awareness. However we practice it (there are countless variations), mindfulness invites us to step back from our usual assumptions, judgments, and even preferences and instead simply observe our thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations with as much objectivity and neutrality as we can.

As the mind gets quieter, we begin to hear ourselves in new ways. Unexpected clarity emerges. And new options for coping with our current challenges arise. With practice, we get better at listening to ourselves in mindful ways. It is an empowering shift! And it won’t take as long as you might think. You just have to practice.

To be mindful is to cultivate a state of intentional awareness, non-resistance, acceptance, non-judgment, and compassion. All of these are interchangeable components of mindfulness practice. And they all get easier with practice. 

Heartbreak, loss, grief, and stress of all kinds are many-layered experiences which can absorb much of our time, attention, and inner work. Working things out, working them through, processing the details, and allowing the tincture of time to work its magic are inevitable parts of reckoning, reconciling, releasing, and moving on.

But the “secret sauce” for healing our hearts,  mastering our stress, and restoring our emotional well-being, even amidst ongoing difficulty, is mindfulness. And it has just a few basic ingredients: acceptance, deep and complete; breath awareness; and compassion. Just remember  A-B-C.

Acceptance, Deep and Complete

The heart and soul of The New Plan A and The Five Ps of Inner Peace is acceptance, deep and complete.

“Acceptance” is a word we use in ordinary language all the time. But when what you want is to heal your heartache or manage your stress, its meaning is narrowly defined and precisely applied. To accept means only to acknowledge the basic, bare-bones facts about a person, a place, a thing, or a situation, as they are, right now… without interpretation, commentary, judgement, or preference. That’s the hard part. But you can learn how to do it. It’s simple, even if it’s not always easy. It just takes is practice. The New Plan A and The Five Ps of Inner Peace are all about how to actually do it, to put it into practice, in ways that are simple but transformative.

Breathe One Breath At A Time

Breath awareness is the foundation of reducing, managing, and mastering stress. Whether or not we’re paying attention to it in any given moment, we are always breathing. But did you know that we breathe more or less deeply, regularly, and easily depending how stressed we are? Here’s how it works: the more stressed we are, the less deeply we breathe. The less deeply we breathe, the more easily caught up we become in racing thoughts about whatever is causing our stress. The more caught up we are, the more tension we begin to hold in the body. The more tension we hold in the body, the more our thoughts race. The more our thoughts race, the less deeply we breathe. It’s a loop. And it can quickly become a vicious circle if we let it.

The more lost in our heads we get, the more we suffer. Boom.

On the other hand, the more present we are, the more easily we are able to interrupt, slow down, or even break the loop. The more clearly we think, the less resistance we experience, and the more creatively we problem-solve. Our stress ebbs and our sense of emotional well-being flows. It all follows naturally and inevitably from breath awareness practice. A simple superpower!

Compassion

Compassion. For yourself, for others, and for the human condition overall. But first and foremost, for yourself and your own human condition. To feel compassion means to be aware of and moved to alleviate suffering. Though we typically think of it as other-focused, compassion has a strategic place in your work to reckon with, reconcile, and restore your inner peace and emotional well-being after heartbreak, loss, grief, or stress of any kind.

There is a good reason to practice self-compassion and to take a compassionate stance toward yourself when you’re in bad shape, no matter how you got there, and it is much more practical than you might think: without it, you will not be able to truly restore your emotional well-being. The healing of your own heart and your efforts to manage and master your stress (writ large, small, or anywhere in between) always begins with acceptance, deep and complete, practiced one breath at a time, with compassion. Always.

Let your inner voice be the kindest voice you know.

Lots of us struggle with compassion for ourselves when we’re in the thick of it. Yet compassion is what helps us accept, deeply and completely, the fact that the human condition is unavoidably painful sometimes. We get caught up in dilemmas; we struggle with the push and pull of competing impulses; we experience ambivalence. It’s not because we’re doing anything “wrong.” It’s because we’re only human.

Compassion improves our ability to to think more clearly and to experience less negative emotional reactivity to the facts of our circumstances. It helps us get better at accepting and bearing the unbearable, when that’s how the truth feels to us. And it helps us move forward. But only if we cultivate the willingness to treat ourselves decently – the very same way we would treat anyone else – even when we least feel so inclined. Especially at those times.

If healing from heartbreak, loss, and grief, mastering stress, and restoring emotional well-being is what you seek, A-B-C is how you will find it. Acceptance, deep and complete (even when the only thing we can seem to accept at the moment is our NON-acceptance), one breath at a time (even when your mind wants to race); with compassion for yourself, and for others too (even at those times when we least feel it). A-B-C is the bridge between where you are right now and wherever else you want to be. It is a bridge you will build at the same time that you’re crossing it… one breath, one moment, one step, and one day at a time.

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another

Unless we live in a bubble, sometimes there is no shortage of life stressors. For many of us, chronic stress has become a way of life. For some, a dramatic life event or circumstance has tipped the balance, as when you’ve suffered one or more life-changing losses. Still others are grappling with both chronic and acute stress. Whatever your own circumstances, when you find yourself in need of relief and respite, it will help to think of yourself on three distinct yet interrelated levels.

Mind

“Mind” refers to what goes on in your head: the thoughts you think in response to what happens in your life, the beliefs you hold most deeply and the ways they inform the meaning you make out of life events (however mundane or cataclysmic), and the overall running commentary of your inner “narrator.” The activity of your mind is directly related to your visceral (body) stress response and plays a big role in creating, perpetuating, and even exacerbating your stress.

Body

“The issues are in the tissues” and “the body keeps the score:” The body is the very best barometer where your stress is concerned. Every body system reacts to stress and alters its functioning in some way to try to help you mobilize an effective response. Such mobilization, while adaptive in a crisis, is problematic when called upon over and over again because it overwhelms the body’s internal resources which were not designed to be under constant siege. Learning to listen and respond effectively to your body’s stress responses is key to reducing your emotional stress and improving your emotional well-being. 

Spirit

Spirit means different things to different people. When I use the term, I am referring to your typical moods, feelings, and patterns of emotional reactivity. Spirit is intricately interconnected with mind and body even as it can sometimes seem to have a “mind” of its own. There is mystery, idiosyncrasy, and uniqueness to this tender human realm. Yet, just like the body and the mind, it is a source of valuable information about what will help you center yourself in the moment at hand. The better you can listen to your spirit, the more it will guide you toward the relief you need in stressful times.

Stress Mastery: It’s All About Balance

Science teaches us much about stress, stress management, and stress mastery. Proven health benefits of mindfulness practice  include lower blood pressure, improved immune function, better sleep, greater concentration, clearer thinking, and improved mood. But stress management and stress mastery are as much about art as they about science. And the art of stress mastery is all about balance: balance as a practice in your day-to-day life, balancing the things on your plate from one moment to the next, balancing what cannot be changed with what might be changed, balancing your thoughts and your feelings, balancing work and play, balancing your self-care practices with your expressions of care for others, and so forth.

The See-Saw

If achieving “balance” were strictly and only a science, we’d all be masters already. We’d have read the instruction manual and committed it to memory. Alas. Achieving balance in our lives, in whatever ways, and whatever it might look like from moment to moment and day to day, is a moving target. Why? Because everyone is different. Because every day is different. Because there is an ever-changing ‘x’ factor unique to every individual. It’s idiosyncratic and, for some people, surprisingly elusive. What worked yesterday might not work today. Thus we need a bag of tricks, a repertoire, and the ability to identify the best strategy for the present moment.

Remember the schoolyard see-saw? Do you remember how hard it was to find the balance point?  And how hard-won yet fleeting the success was? That’s because balance is dynamic. Whether in the physical realm or as a metaphor for the way you live your life, it’s tricky. Myriad variables continually converge, dissipate and dissolve, and reconstitute a new present-moment reality which itself is ever-changing, a kind of mind-body-spirit kaleidoscope showing you a perpetually changing picture of yourself. Your success at finding your own unique balance will require getting better at seeing and interpreting your own unique picture moment to moment. And A-B-C is the way you do that. 

It’s Really Not That Hard… If You Practice

In response to hearing of success with a new coping skill, a colleague of mine was fond of saying to his clients, “Excellent! Now do it 10,000 more times!” Practice is the only way to transform conceptual information into embodied knowledge. It’s the proverbial bicycle. As in, once you’ve had enough bicycle-riding practice to gain some proficiency at it, your body simply remembers how to ride. You no longer have to think about it much if at all. Think of balance analogously, with one caveat: unlike bicycle riding, which is a novel experience for beginners, achieving your own unique sense of balance will entail having to consciously replace old habits with new ones. Old habits die hard, but new habits form surprisingly quickly. You just have to practice.

We’re All Creatures Of Habit

A habit is simply something we’ve done enough times to have it be automatic, requiring no thought or conscious intention. As human beings, we have habits of mind (what’s the first thing you think when you can’t find your keys?) and of body (which arm do you put into your coat first?) and even of spirit  (which emotional reactions are typical for you when you experience a disappointment?). Habits are hard to break but also easy to make. In both cases, awareness is key. As you gain traction with the simple practices of A-B-C, your self-awareness will naturally expand and new options for responding (i.e., behaviors which you freely choose) rather than reacting (behaviors which feel automatic and “knee-jerk”) will begin arising. 

The Problem Of Negative Self-Talk

There’s a steady stream of chatter in the background of most people’s minds. It’s like having a TV or a radio on in the other room. We can hear it even if we’re not paying conscious attention to it. The problem is that we’re affected by what it’s saying even if we think we’re not really listening to it. So if the chatter is negative, we absorb the negativity and react to it emotionally even if we’re not aware it’s happening. It just becomes a part of our prevailing sense of mood and overall reality.

Raising awareness of the running commentary so often swirling around inside our heads is powerfully transformative. This running “narration” will often surprise us (and often unpleasantly)! The good news is that we can change it if we don’t like it.

The Farmer and The Horse

Although it may not always feel like it, the “stories” we tell ourselves – about ourselves, about others, and about what’s happening in our lives – are entirely subjective. The more emotionally caught up we are, the trickier is can be to tell the difference between “facts” and our feelings about the facts.

Moreover, the meaning we ascribe to things – i.e., our interpretations and judgments about them – is entirely context-specific, “true” only in the context of the circumstances at hand. Thus they can (and often do) change over time. A missed opportunity, for example, might turn out to lead to an even better opportunity. Can you think of an example like this from your own life?

Consider the story of the farmer and the horse.

An old farmer awakes in the morning to find that his only horse has run off in the night. His neighbors come around and commiserate. “How will you tend your fields?” They say. “What a terrible thing to have happened!”  He replies, “Maybe. Maybe not.” The following week, the farmer discovers his horse with a herd of other horses and brings all of them back to his farm. That evening, his neighbors again come around, this time celebrating his good luck. He again replies, “Maybe. Maybe not.” The next afternoon, as the farmer’s son tries to tame and ride one of the horses, he falls to the ground and breaks his leg. That evening, the neighbors are full of sympathetic laments. “Who will help you in the fields now? What an unfortunate thing to have happened!” they cry. To which the old farmer again replies, “maybe, maybe not.” A few days later, the country goes to war and all of the able-bodied young men are sent to the front line to fight. The farmer’s son cannot go because of his broken leg. That evening, the neighbors come around with prayerful gratitude for this life-saving twist of fate. “What good fortune,” they exclaim! To which the old farmer replies…

And so on.

Glass Half-full Or Half-Empty?

An eight-ounce measuring cup with four ounces of water in it is both half-full and half-empty. We have the freedom and the power to decide which way we’re going to look at it. It’s not always easy, but it gets easier with practice. And the first step is to raise our awareness of our “default” way of seeing it. Sometimes, we just can’t help seeing the empty part and feeling bad about it. But sometimes we can. With practice, we’ll get better at seeing the whole glass. And won’t it be nice to be less at the mercy of emptiness at least some of the time?

The more self-awareness you develop and the more willing you are to consider alternate stories and a wider range of possibilities for interpreting your experiences, the more emotional well-being you will enjoy.

Nobody Told Me There’d Be Days Like These: Heartbreak, Loss, And Grief

Impermanence is the bedrock of human experience. Heartbreak and loss, in their innumerable forms, are inevitable and inescapable parts of being human. Grief is the universal experience of mourning a loss. People tend to think of “big” things when the they hear the word “loss.” And “death” is what typically comes to mind when they hear the word “grief.” But the truth is that the loss of anything meaningful to us, whether or not the people around us see and acknowledge it, is a loss, and thus worthy of grieving. It might be a person, a place, or a thing; a beloved animal; a ritual or a routine; a health status; a sense of freedom we took for granted until we no longer had it: the myriad losses so many of us have suffered during the Covid-19 pandemic; or any number of other things. It is never up to another person to define which losses “merit” grief or are “deserving” of grieving. But to the degree that we do not feel seen and supported, we suffer even more.

For Many Reasons, Some Losses Are Easier To Absorb And Assimilate Than Others

Loss is never easy. But we react to different losses in different ways. If a loss has knocked the wind out of you, the first thing to remember is that we live in a society which does a poor job making space for the experience of grief and accommodating the needs of anyone who is grieving. On the contrary, it perpetuates an expectation that any disruption in your functioning (emotionally, interpersonally, professionally) will be minimal and short-lived. Without acknowledgement and support, we are more vulnerable to feelings of self-doubt and isolation which needlessly exacerbate our suffering and complicate an otherwise natural grieving (and healing) process. You’d probably be quite surprised to find out how many people all around you are suffering this way.

Heartbreak, Loss, And Grief Can Be Keenly Stressful

Heartbreak, loss, and grief are, among other things, stressful. But a little validation can go a long way. And it begins with our willingness to acknowledge and honor our own losses as well as the losses of others. Simple acknowledgement of sorrow, expressions of care, and willingness to be present, for ourselves and for others, are all that is required. A-B-C – acceptance, deep and complete, one breath at a time, with compassion – will show the way.

The Secret Is That There Is No Secret 

No matter how well-developed our coping skills, there’s just no way around the fact that some experiences are difficult to navigate. But with increasingly skillful self-care, you can and will reduce your distress even in the midst of your hardest times. A-B-C holds the key to becoming less caught up in turmoil, even when turmoil is swirling all around you. It is the “how” you will heal your heart, master your stress, and restore your emotional well-being, one moment at a time and one day at a time. Do your practices, start over again as many times as you need to, have faith, and remember to breathe.